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| so this week i've made a late discovery about my body and how it works. currently this thought process is somewhere between a hypothesis and a theory. so while eating healthy and working out is a good thing and can make you feel wonderful, one without the other is no bueno.
i was on track for a week or so, eating good, working out, etc and things were kosher, i felt good, a lot better. but this week i've been working a lot of doubles and haven't had time to work out, so i've just been eating better, and it has sucked terribly! i've been a total asshole and exploded on more people than i can count (well i guess technically i could count them, so more people than i want to count or remember). that's not me, i'm a laid back jolly fellow, not some deraged time bomb ready to go off.
but i got to thinking and it totally makes sense (at least in my head). my eating better has consisted of cutting back on sugar and what my trainer calls "bad carbs" (pretty much anything but carbs from fruits and veggies, brown rice, and sweet potatoes). and the big one for me is i've been off of caffeine for exactly a week now, and only have a sprite every once in awhile. so i'm depriving my body of all these things it's been used to, i've probably had at least 1, usually 2, many times more, dr. peppers/cokes every day for the past 10 years or so of my life, maybe longer. that's a pretty hardcore caffeine addiction. and now all of a sudden i've had zero in 7 days. that's a pretty hardcore cold turkey. so when you add that to the stress of bills piling up and working non-stop with about 5 doubles or so in a week, and a bunch of other stuff i don't care to think about right now, it equals a disastrous mental frame of wellbeing. this would be where the aforementioned asshole-ness comes in. like i said it's not quite proven enough to be a theory at this point or not, but come this time next week i'll know better because i will have resumed working out and eating better for a week or so and will have tested my variable to see if mood/mental wellbeing improves.
i just think it's weird how the body works. first of all the ruts and random habitual things our body gets used to, anything can be an addiction. but second, the whole generally masochistic system. you feed your body good things, but it's not happy with just that. you have to feed it well and torture it for it to be balanced and happy. that's all working out is. we build muscle basically by the cycle of ripping the muscle and growing scar tissue on top of it and doing it over and over again. that's a healthy body, an ideal scenario. sounds pretty torturous to me. i would even go so far as to say the masochistic act of working out is the primary action, the good food is fuel for that action. we work out, burning calories, ripping muscle, blah blah blah, then the food we eat nurtures that action and helps the body heal during our sleep (burning more calories) so it can repeat the whole process again.
this whole idea is very against my nature and almost doesn't seem right to me. so if something as central as the healthy and productive functioning of my own body seems so unnatural to me, then what other central mechanics to this thing called life have i overlooked or ignored just because they are forgotten and foreign to the current rut i have been trudging along in? i don't mean rut like down and out, i mean a rut to be any system of habitual acts we have grown accustomed to and perform without thought on a daily basis. that seems to be the worst kind of rut to me. it's a sorry excuse for a life. if ever my life becomes a series of mindless habits i am dependent on for my peaceful survival, then something is wrong and someone should slap me. i think i had some point i was trying to make, but i've forgotten and i'm too tired to re-read this whole thing just to try and figure it out. so maybe something in there made sense. goodnight everyone!
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| memory aid for my future self.
i love it when music affects me on a deep level, like really does
something to me, fucks me up emotionally, mentally, spiritually, all of
the above.
i love the precise feeling of deja vu you get when you hear a song you
haven't listened to in years. so many of my past favorite songs or
artists or albums take me to such distinct places in my memory. the
other day i was on myspace, of all places, and i heard a song from
about 10 years ago that i haven't listened to in probably 5 years or
more. it hit me like a ton of bricks. it sounds cheesy, but i was on
the point of tears from the emotion of it and i don't even know
specifically why, mourning the loss of so many past lives and friends
that are nothing more than fading memories now, moved by the chaotic
beauty of our collective experiences as created by the turns and
detours of our path as we stumble through this thing called life,
perhaps both, or neither, i dunno. the song took me to a distinct
place and time--late at night on a mexican bus coming home from one of
my many extended stays in mexico, i used to put this song on repeat to
lull me asleep in the uncomfortable bumpy ride back home--but there was
no real connection to anything more specific, not a friend, or an ex,
or an event, etc. i thought it unusual to be so moved by something as
general as 'my life in mexico.'
it all just makes me feel old that i've experienced and been through so
much and gone through so many vast changes in life. and a bit
remorseful that there are so many moments tucked away in my
subconscious mind, so many beautiful things that i've basically
forgotten that can only be remembered by the random coincidence of some
outside force, such as an old song, triggering them.
maybe that makes sense.... if not fuck it, this is only me deliberately
setting a trigger for me to trip over in retrospective at some random
point in the future--a memory aid for my future self. | | |
| ME QUERIDA MEXICO!! COMO TE EXTRAÑE.... | | |
| i'm sad xanga is dead. it was always my favorite. i was fearless here. i could rant or spill about anything, and for some reason i can't seem to be as unfiltered and brutally honest elsewhere. i don't blog much on myspace cuz no one would read it, and i don't blog much on facebook cuz too many people would read it. i dunno. maybe i'm just weird and should get over it. either way i'm mourning the death of xanga. i hope for it's revival. i'll never shut down my page because of all the great entries and comments tucked away here. well, goodnight.
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| my laptop had to go away for awhile. she's undergoing surgery. she's getting a new heart. the doctors say she'll be back and as good as new in a week or two. i miss her sitting on my lap while i pushed her buttons. i miss her sitting on my desk with her bright smile that lit up the room as she told me about the latest gossip or what my friends were up to. i miss listening to music with her, and the time we spent together just relaxing--watching movies, playing games, looking at pictures, etc. i've been hanging out--listening to music, playing games, etc--with iPod, her younger cousin, but it's just not the same. come back my dear, my room just doesn't have the same glow without you... | | |
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